Hey! You guys need to check out Pan's Labyrinth. If you are into the escapism/extremist shit, this shit is for you. It takes place in Spain in the 1940's, this young girl Ofelia lives a pretty awful life. Her dad's dead, her pregnant mom married this douchefuck known as The Captain, and she is not having a good time. There is some mythical story about a King waiting for his daughter to finally return, and this creepy faun believes Ofelia is the princess. She goes through some trials to be able to get into the labyrinth. I won't spoil much more. The only real complaints I had about the film were that there is only like 30 seconds of anything to do with a labyrinth, so I don't know what that's all about. It just never actually comes up. And who the fuck is Pan? Also, the faun gives Ofelia this magic chalk, but it kind of just gets lost in the subplots and becomes kind of insignificant. I really do like the film, though. Definitely check it out! Well, here's my take on Bad Santa 2. I just saw this with the family which hasn't happened since An American Tail. So I guess you can say Bad Santa brought the family together. Weird, huh? Sadly, it's not as good as the first. It's a funny movie, but it just seems like they rely on crude humor to be funny. It's the same premise too. My hero Willy (Billy Bob Thornton) is hating his life again and trying to commit suicide again. He's still friends with Thurman Merman (the little kid from the first one) who doesn't look much different from the first one. Then, for some reason, he teams up with Marcus (Tony Cox) again and they go to Chicago to rob some charity. He teams up with his mother (Kathy Bates) and nostalgia ensues. I had two big problems with this movie: 1) The pacing. It seemed too slow and I mostly blame this on the editing. A lot of the comedic timing was ruined because of the lazy editing. Some of the writing isn't that great as, like I said, it relies a lot on crude humor to be funny. Some of the jokes work and I did laugh a few times but I never found any moment hilarious like the first one was. Like remember when Willy was Santa at the department store and all those kids sitting on his lap? Or when he arrives drunk on the escalator and starts beating up everything? Well, they kinda have that here but it's just not as clever. 2) Kathy Bates. I like Kathy Bates but her character felt wasted here. I just felt her character was out of place with the rest of the film. I guess maybe they needed another woman character in the movie, like a strong woman character, I guess. I just feel that it should be more his father than his mother. Maybe that's saved for the third film. I know they are trying to bring back the feeling of the first film but they were lacking a good Bernie Mac character. I would love to see Kevin Hart fill that role. I know I'm knocking on this film but like I said there were funny moments here and there. I thought Christina Hendricks was hot and too bad she didn't get naked. The film did start off strong and the audience was laughing. Heck, there were funny moments at the end too. All and all, I'm glad they made a Bad Santa sequel and good seeing Billy Bob Thornton back in the Santa suit. I just hope they bring back Terry Zwigoff if they make a third installment as he was surely missed on this one. One more good thing I can say about this movie is that it feels a little more Christmasy than the first one. It has snow on this one, a lot more Christmas music, and a better vibe than the first one. I just rather watch the first one. When you talk about video game movies, you can't avoid Uwe Boll. This hack is notorious for bad video game movies. However, Alone in the Dark is the one I felt had the most potential to be something great. Too bad it fell flat in the second half. To describe the plot of the film is not an easy task. That's like reading a complex plot from a four-year-old. You're going to get lost. In fact, audiences were so confused at a press screening that they added a text crawl in the beginning with some asshole reading it slowly to you. So it basically goes like this: Christian Slater plays Edward Carnby which is the only thing is right from the games, and he and a bunch of other people were orphans that are part of this experiment with this doctor that if these monsters were unleashed, they would turn into zombies but Edward wasn't affected because the little bug thing they put in him died or something. Bottom line: There are monsters, Slater and a group has to stop them. The first half of the movie wasn't too bad, in my opinion, as it sets up Christian Slater as an action hero. He fights this big bald dude which is actually a pretty decent fight. Then we see Tara Reid. I honestly think it was a joke by someone to cast her as a SCIENTIST. Tara Reid is about as believable as a scientist as I am as a Hollywood hunk. Not believable at all. They tried to give her glasses and put up her hair but it doesn't work. She's also atrocious at acting. Like the scene where she sees Slater again. She couldn't even say New Finland. Or New Foundland. I ain't no scientist either. The second half of the movie really sucks ass. It's just a mess of people getting killed by bad CGI, horrible acting especially by the main bad guy, and kinda boring too. Stephen Dorff tries to pull off a good performance and honestly he does the best he can with what he had to work with. Then you get the Evil Dead ending on an already confusing climax. It's difficult for me to really sum it up because I had no idea what the hell was going on. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in this. Get it? Alone in the Dark? Heh heh. Yeah. This movie started out exactly as you'd expect. Some friends decide to go adventuring and it opens with a cliché upbeat pop song with a montage of happy clips of the group. The gang decides to go explore the city of Pripyat (where the Chernobyl disaster occurred) for something called extreme tourism. The idea of the film could have called for something great, however, this was not the case. Filled with just as many stereotypical characters and plot moments as you could expect, but this movie didnt even try to save itself with jump scares. As in the true city, you can find some amount of radioactive creatures, due to the explosion of the reactor, but the movie barely explores this avenue. Instead, it shows two or three creatures, and fills the rest with zombie like characters. Overall, not enough depth to the characters, and not a steady camera hand, even though this was NOT a found footage movie. Sadly, not a movie that I would recommend, and I can say I'm glad I bought it for $2.88. Rating 4/10. I pregamed for this film by watching the original, one of my favorite Christmas films. If you've never seen Bad Santa, it stars Billy Bob Thorton and Tony Cox, a couple of thieves that rob local malls on Christmas. It's offensive, it's crude, it's hilarious. I got to see Bad Santa 2 with my girlfriend and dad, and we all relatively enjoyed it. This time Kathy Bates is an integral character, and she's just as fucked up as the rest of them. The movie is much like the first one: sexual, profane, and full of Christmas depression. I did enjoy seeing the grown up Thurman. The plot is nothing too unique unfortunately. The characters are put in a new location to scout out the same things and then ultimately repeats itself, with a somewhat happy ending. The film is pretty much how I expected it to be, nothing more nothing less. If you are looking for an inappropriate Christmas comedy, here you go, but it won't expand much beyond that. 7/10 Awesome Andy was gloating about his constant victories over Little Pussy Mike. Awesome Andy was in Hawaii right now celebrating his victory over Little Pussy Mike with some beautiful women. Little Pussy Mike was back in America crying like a little BITCH as always. Awesome Andy knew that little Pussy Mike was training hard to stop Awesome Andy but it Awesome Andy knew it would be the same outcome. Little Pussy Mike would challenge Awesome Andy and Little Pussy Mike would get his sorry ass kicked again. Little Pussy Mike was training hard to become an awesome fighter. This time little Pussy Mike was training in Taiwan to become the toughest fighter in the world. What a fucking joke this was going to be. Awesome Andy was well aware that Little Pussy Mike was training hard in Taiwan. Awesome Andy also knew that he could not be stopped. Little Pussy Mike was done training in Taiwan so now he came back to the stats to challenge Awesome Andy to a duel which of course Awesome Andy accepted. The battle would take place in front of thousands of people. This is the way Awesome Andy wanted it because he wanted to embarrass little Pussy Mike in front of a whole lot of people. Little Pussy Mike was confident that he could defeat Awesome Andy this time. The two met in front of thousands of people. Little Pussy Mike was confident that he could defeat Awesome Andy. Awesome Andy knew little Pussy Mikes overconfidence would be his downfall. The two fought and fought and as usual Awesome Andy won the fight and little Pussy Mike was crying like a little bitch. Awesome Andy was being cheered while little Pussy Mike was being laughed at. What a fucking loser. Awesome Andy was still known as Awesome Manly Andy King of the Studs while little Pussy Mike was known as the biggest pussy and the biggest queer in the world. The end.
I… I find it very difficult to describe this movie. Weird? Trippy? It’s about 2 college dropouts who take this new drug referred to as soy sauce, which is supposed to give an outer-body experience after every hit. David (Chase Williamson) is talking to a reporter named Arnie (Paul Giamatti) about these strange experiences. David and his friend John got a call from a girl saying she had been harassed by her dead boyfriend. Reluctantly, they go check it out. At some point in her basement, they realize they are seeing different versions of her. When they go to ask her, she explodes into a ton of snakes. This turns into some kind of meat monster that wants revenge on a TV show psychic. From there on, I kind of lose what’s going on. They hallucinate quite a bit. Apparently this drug allows people to drift across time and dimensions, but some people return as something other than human. One memorable moment is when David is tripping and says, “are you familiar with the old human saying, ‘I want to shoot you so bad my dick's hard’?” It’s an interesting movie. Not bad to watch for stoners or horror fans. Unfortunately, I think I will pass next time. |
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